What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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