its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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