Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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