dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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