The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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