If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
