I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
