I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
