No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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