____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
