I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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