what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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