What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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