I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
