please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
