I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
