Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
