Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
