this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
