My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
