I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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