All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
