by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
