found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
