I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
