i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
