What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
