We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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