I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
