Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
