Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
