He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
