she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
