We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
