burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Couch. On fire.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
