so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
