I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
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