i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
