my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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