I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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