life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
