i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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