Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize