Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Come on in and take your pants off
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