Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
