Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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