Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
