me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
