I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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