We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She needs sedatives and a leash
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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