Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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