apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
