Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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