i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize