are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize