i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
