I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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