we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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