24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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