I'm drive I can fine osifer
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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