so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Still dying that you shit outside
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
