I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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