I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
